A guide to navigating the depths of the rabbit hole

On better days, such as today, it seems as if things are okay. The reflection in the mirror looks quite okay, acceptable. Pleasant, even. Doesn’t speak, just looks back, smiling mildly. With hair tucked into a sleek ponytail, smooth complexion, and eyes wide open, reminds of a cover page of a beauty magazine. And just stares back, cunningly.

Then, what happened yesterday feels miles away, and I repent for even telling somebody how I felt, because I realize it ruins the day or a festive mood. And again I sink back into the feeling of guilt or remorse. Why would anyone have to cope with my rollercoasters?

It’s not like I want that to happen. For moments it feels as if yesterday will never happen again, and I feel silly for feeling so down.

Sharing such emotions with those who feel just as low is not helpful – either to myself or to them. It’s like the blind leading the blind, where we are all equally fucked up. We do understand one another, and are not only unable to offer a helping hand – it even feels as if we’ve embraced our misery and learnt to love it, and as if the other person to share it with is there to support us in a good way. But it’s never for the good.

So I wonder. Is the rabbit hole really that deep? How deep is it, how do you discover how deep is it? Would it be okay to just see how deep it gets? To just tap the bottom with my hand? Once you sink, how do you find your way back up? Do you do it yourself, if there is any strength left in you? Is there anyone to help you? Should anyone be there to get you back, and if yes, why are they there by your side? Doesn’t that mean they can’t help you after all?

Sometimes you have to go down to come back up again.

I’ve always thought of myself as being strong enough not to need the help of others, especially not about overcoming such intimate struggles. And yet, that’s where the trap is. When you know you are stronger than the rest, and you sink even deeper, who could help you?

Do you really find a way up only once you are completely down? Like, is it only when you hit the bottom that you are able to see the top and where to look up to? Is there a way to avoid hitting the bottom before it’s too late? I fear, if I let myself reach that bottom, will I be able to get back? Will I still have that spite deep within to take me back once I no longer feel a thing? Or will I just let the weight chain me for the heaviest rock down there. Is there a need to get back up once you are so low that you no longer feel a thing?

Things seem better during the day. Then, as the night approaches, which is not too late these days, the crack starts opening up, with that rabbit hole creeping from below. The thoughts start running wildly, like atoms in Hadron collider, gaining velocity the more they collide, and start pushing you towards the crack, and the more you struggle to fight back the more magnetic does the crack become. You feel inexplicable loss, and panic starts overwhelming you. The sensation of unrest, of a black hole filled with whatever’s keeping you up, of an infinite void, where the horror of nothing fills you with a desire to let go, to just lean back and float in the vacuum.