Nothing feels right lately.
I am constantly agitated, to the brink of exploding at the slightest irritation, yet at the same time feeling completely numb to most things happening around.
I have no focus, no interest in anything.
The last TV show that caught my attention for a while lost me too, because I dislike the way the storyline goes in season 5 and on.
When I bike, I find it exhilarating only when I take the route for the first time. The second time around it’s already boring.
Nothing makes me happy. Like, truly, genuinely, nothing makes me smile for longer than a few seconds. No lasting joy in anything. I used to have that, and it used to last for eternity.
I go nowhere, I see no one. Not that I even have the desire to. I almost speak to no one either. Don’t feel like it. When I do plan to go somewhere, some other circumstances prevent me from it, every single time. As if the providence is laughing at my plans over and over again.
Days go by, and all I waste them on – I can’t even remember.
I hate living with my parents again for the sole fact they just don’t care about a thing in the world. I’ve lived on my own for long enough to understand I am best on my own.
I spend most of my days simply texting people, then hating myself for not having done anything else.
But, then again, what else could I do? Life feels as if it has stopped the moment I decided to come back home “for a while.” That “for a while” is now 9 months long with no end in sight.
Circumstances I had hoped would change for the better by now have not only improved but also seem to get worse on a daily basis. People with significantly higher salaries than me are leaving THE city because it’s becoming more unsustainable staying there for – what?
More often than ever before, I feel my life has become completely null and void of any reason to be. Desolate, even. Not that I feel lonely – I enjoy being lonely – yet, feeling alone. Like, we are all scattered in ether and nothing to hold on to, nobody to cling to, no reason to either.
Summer, other than being a complete torture, has so far been more like a mixture of mid-spring and mid-autumn, with rain, thunderstorms, rain showers, then rain again, then thunderstorms, then a few heatwave days that end in yet another cool airwave, which then feels good. Better, at least.
I think, never in my life, not before nor after him, have I met more divinely a man, such physical perfection, as if painted by God himself and then sculpted by Michelangelo to surpass David in all his glory. His big, dark eyes; plump lips; his smooth chest; his complexion; and the way his body moves through space, as if David stepped from his pedestal to show us mortals for a brief moment in time what ultimate beauty is and what we, the undignified, could never set our hands on, not in a million years. Never was I able to see him any way other than this, and never have I had the ability to verbalize his profoundly I felt about him. Alas, never was he able either to grasp the depth of my feelings, nor was he willing to.
So I suffer, alone, unable to find a direction in life any more. I am now not sure if I ever even had one. But, at least it didn’t feel this gloomy, not so weary. Dreadful, even. During the semblance of control I once believed I had over my life, there was at least the illusion I had reins in my hands. If I wanted to go out, there were options. Now there is none. If I wanted to do my laundry, there was nobody to tell me not to. If I wanted to have a specific meal, it was there – either a walking distance or a click away (okay, I literally never ordered food online). If I wanted to cook, there were grocery stores at each corner. If I wanted to socialize, my phone book offered dozens of people to ping, to suit each mood, from chill, cool, flirt, despair, sports, beauty, going out, staying in, you name it.
Here, it feels as if all that has been unjustly taken away from me. As if my hands are tied.
I did nothing to deserve this.
I used to believe there was more to life than this.
So, hey, providence, the heavens, the skies, the divinities, the deities, whoever is out there, what happened? What did bloody happen? Why? Will this ever end?
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